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Bright Eyes "let's not shit ourselves" |
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Things wrong with my life...
1. I got into my dream college, couldn't go because of money. Am now doing nothing, unemployed. My family is pretty poor, no car or anything.
2.My best friend is in college. Not too far away, but far enough that I'm alone.
3. One of my very close male friends apparently likes me. And blahblahblah I hate it. I hate that all of my male friends discover these little crushes. I just want to be left alone.
4. My now ex-boyfriend, who I'd been with off and on for more than a year, by far my longest relationship to date told me yesterday that he was never going to talk to or see me anymore. Because I won't give into his pressure to go out with him immediately, we have a really tempestuous relationship and I needed some time to get my head on straight. And yeah, he said "I want a girlfriend, I want it to be you, but if it's not..." And now all the time/energy/love I've put into that has been a total waste. The love of my life and I are no longer on speaking terms.
5. My Gram and I had a huge fight. We'd been really close, but during this fight, she called me a "mistake" an "embarassment" said I would "fail like my parents did" and mentioned all this shit about my parents to make me hate them. So I feel kinda weird in my own house. Oh, and my Grandpa is dying of emphasema (can't spell, sorry) and my Gram says that if he dies, my parents and I are not only not invited to the funeral, but will be barred from attending.
Soooo...
Last night, using a steak knife, I made two mildly deep wounds into my leg. And earlier I'd done one, shallower. And a few ays ago, there were two more. Five total. And looking at those cuts make me hate myself more, for not being able to make everything better.
I'm miserable, really.
Absolutely miserable.
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